To my sadeeqi

Sadeeqi:
I have been thinking about our conversations recently and your concern about my level of worrying. I think it would be helpful for all parties invovled to note that I have an anxiety disorder. Not that it is an excuse for my behaviors, but that my anxiety is a very real and integrated part of my life. I don't try to worry--it just happens. It is especially important to note because while I am and always have been very functional, anxiety is always around the corner for me. Yes, I am working on it and trying to be more aware of the presence of God (who is our ultimate provider and comforter and friend). I try to take the scripture at heart "trust in the lord with all your heart" and "do not worry about anything, but with prayer and petition present your cares to Him, for he cares for us." It's true that God cares for us, more than flowers, trees, birds--we are the apple of his eye. If we trust scripture we know that a loving God is always calling us, always leading us to deeper levels of trust and companionship. Often this is easier said than done, as the many storms of life come and go--loans, money, family, work--we have multiple stressors which test our faith and challenge us to come to a deeper understanding of God's provision.

Some of us have had many stressors in life, and as children we were ill-equiped to allow the stress to lead us into deeper relationship with God. Instead stress builds up over time--thus anxiety is a cumulative disorder. As a 23-year old, I find my anxiety is often displaced. I am not really worried about your safety on the bus when you have all of your luggage and a broken arm. But anxiety is an underlying state of my being, thus when there is a trigger; a small fear; my response is unproportional to reality. Forgive this uproportional response. Have grace with me as I learn to appropriatly deal with fear. I love you.