Bible Study

So, let me just start by saying that traditionally, Bible study has been completely awful for me. Well not completely, say maybe 65% awful. I don't like kids very much. Well that's not true. I do like kids. It's my job to like kids. I guess what I don't like is hyper kids who don't really want to understand the bible. In groups. masses of sniveling kids with snotty noses who want to play with everything in sight and twirl in your lounge chair. I guess I don't like groups of kids. One on one they're great.

In anycase, Bible Study tonight was awesome. I invited all the kids over, but only like 4 of them came. We watched the Prince of Egypt, ate pizza and had some real fun. Then little pooh came over and just talked up a storm, revealing a lot of stuff in his life, like how his brother had died and he didn't understand suffering. We got a chance to share the gospel with him a little bit and urge him into a deeper maturity and understanding of God's grace. We pray that he knows God's love deeper. It was mostly awesome cause I had fun. Not that it's a prerequisite to God moving, but I think it helps. When we do things with joy, I think it frees up the Holy Spirit to move in more profound ways. Funny how that works.

Choices and decisions

I am realizing that we often don't realize the choices we have. Too often I hear myself and my friends say, "this made me mad," or "you made me sad." As a behavioral specialist, I tell my clients, "you have a choice in what you feel, you have a choice in your response." I said this to a friend yesterday and she said, "I don't have a choice. I'm pretty powerless; it's only through God's grace that I could ever choose out of a negative feeling." This comment caught me off guard. While I appreciate the sentiment in her comment, I think there are a few things missing about her choice and responsibility. Does the bible really say that we don't have a choice? Does God really make us powerless except through his grace?

When I opened to Genesis 4, I see one of the most poor reactions to a bad situation: Cain is caught in this family dynamic: everything his brother does is recognized above his own. He lives in the shadow of his brothers devotion, performance and good works. Cain must feel so bitter and resentful of his older brother. The bitterness comes to a head when Cain tries to give an offering and it's pointed out by God that it's not quite good enough. Maybe Cain had a busy day in the field and could only gather a few rotten little fruits, or maybe he was just being a little lazy. Either way, we see he is currently in a situation that is out of his own control-- God's reaction is out of his ability to change or manipulate. Cain's reaction is anger; he shows it to God. But God's response is interesting: "Why are you angry and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it." God tells Cain "look, kiddo, you chose your own fate here. If you are angry, it's your own choice. Furthermore, if my reaction has influenced your own anger, you'd better check yourself. In your anger you might sin, you must control yourself." But Cain doesn't listen, and he chooses instead to kill his brother. He gives into the most extreme response to anger.

I think a lot of us live like Cain. Outside circumstances and our own choices land us in situations beyond our control and ability. We get angry. We get sad. We end up saying, "why me? Why now?" And God's response is similar, "sin may be lurking at your door and you must master it." Choose out of sin. We can be real with God in our anger, sadness, frustration; but we have a choice about the strength and duration of these feelings.

The apostle Paul puts it in a different way: "I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." I think this is where my friends response comes from--I don't have control apart from God. Yet, I think if we look closely at Paul's writing we can see something different. Paul is not saying that we do not have control and choice. Rather he says the opposite, and points our that he his making an active choice into God's law. He empathizes with the difficulty of carrying out this choice but still insists that we are actively choosing to submit our will to God's and this means we are choosing out of negative feelings and reactions. Paul does not give excuses so much as a method for making better choices. It is difficult to carry these choices out, but we have the grace and empowerment of the Holy Spirit.

As redeemed people we need to be careful about taking responsibility for our choices and actions. We really do have more control and more choice than we think we do. We are not victims of a sinful society, rather we are ambassadors and not citizens of this world. Partners with God's work in our families, our neighborhoods, and our lives.

To my sadeeqi

Sadeeqi:
I have been thinking about our conversations recently and your concern about my level of worrying. I think it would be helpful for all parties invovled to note that I have an anxiety disorder. Not that it is an excuse for my behaviors, but that my anxiety is a very real and integrated part of my life. I don't try to worry--it just happens. It is especially important to note because while I am and always have been very functional, anxiety is always around the corner for me. Yes, I am working on it and trying to be more aware of the presence of God (who is our ultimate provider and comforter and friend). I try to take the scripture at heart "trust in the lord with all your heart" and "do not worry about anything, but with prayer and petition present your cares to Him, for he cares for us." It's true that God cares for us, more than flowers, trees, birds--we are the apple of his eye. If we trust scripture we know that a loving God is always calling us, always leading us to deeper levels of trust and companionship. Often this is easier said than done, as the many storms of life come and go--loans, money, family, work--we have multiple stressors which test our faith and challenge us to come to a deeper understanding of God's provision.

Some of us have had many stressors in life, and as children we were ill-equiped to allow the stress to lead us into deeper relationship with God. Instead stress builds up over time--thus anxiety is a cumulative disorder. As a 23-year old, I find my anxiety is often displaced. I am not really worried about your safety on the bus when you have all of your luggage and a broken arm. But anxiety is an underlying state of my being, thus when there is a trigger; a small fear; my response is unproportional to reality. Forgive this uproportional response. Have grace with me as I learn to appropriatly deal with fear. I love you.

'lil e

So, I think I have the best coworkers anyone could ask for. Today during group supervision, we decided to vote on what our nicknames should be. Mine ended up being lil e, after much debate over the implications of "easy e" or "big red". So, lil e it is. Peace yall.