Working Thoughts

For the first time in my working life I actually have a job that I enjoy and look forward to. I love seeing the progress in my client's I love hoping for them that they can get better, and I like sharing (and also reflecting) about my own journey and struggles and how "I made it and so can you". There is a profound empathy I feel towards my clients with dysfunctional homes. Not that I can fully know all of their experiences and feelings, but I do think that I have an ability to understand a little bit of what their going through. Often they just need a hug, and someone to be honest with. Most kids in high school play up that they don't have problems, they don't let their friends know and they hold everything inside. It's nice to know that they have at least one place to let things out.

I wonder how I can incorporate my faith into my job and my job into the practice of my faith? These are questions I'm still figuring out.

See what I mean...

Temptations...

So I've realized that a temptation for me is to tune out when I get overwhelmed. I feel like I just want to "zone out" for a while, not think deeply or think about stuff at all. But I know there is more power/freedom/joy/amazing gifts of God if I stay in the rub... So while I just want to chill and not think... I know I need to hang in. Pray for me.

teee heee

Monday Morning, December 17, 2007

1. I had a ton of fun last night--even without a voice.
2. I got pepto-bismol as my white elephant gift. I had to give up my massager (though my housemates stole it back for me).
3. I still have no voice. I think I need to go see the doctor.
4. I'm drinking eggnog with coffee for breakfast. I think this will not really help my throat, but I'm doing it anyway.
5. I'm going to another holiday party today. For another white elephant.
6. Tonight I am nervous because we are supposed to be doing house affirmations. I'm not sure what to say.
7. I'm still processing a lot of anger. My ex-boyfriend has written me a blank email after no contact since April (my choice). I want to punch his face in. now is not a good time to contact me, since I am so angry at you, it would end up bad for me and for you. Possibly when I am done writing angry letters at you in therapy and can forgive you with honesty and integrity, maybe then I will be able to even look at your name without wanting to vomit. But for now, that's not the case. Leave me alone please.
8. There is a new baby next-door. It was crying last night, this makes a total of 10 people living in a 3 bedroom apartment.

Perfectionism is a bad thing.

So I guess I realized how much of a perfectionist I was when my director called me and I was sick in bed and he said, "you should really be at the end of the year meeting." I almost got up, got dressed and drove to South LA, just because I felt bad. Guilt can be a bad motivator--I think it causes us to over extend ourselves. Not that I would be super overextending myself to go to the year end meeting, but I would probably be paying for it the next day at work. And probably the whole weekend.

I think I need a more realistic expectation of myself. Otherwise, i honestly believe I might keel over soon.

Community

Being in community is, in one sense, all about giving up your personal rights. Your right to feel validated, defended, and justified. The truth is community is all about refinement--we are mirrors to each other, revealing the ways we are too touchy, too angry, too defensive, too (enter your struggle here). And when we are well defended with walls and fences, we cannot receive the refinement we so desperately need. But the problem is when we are trying to develop skin that is appropriately thick. How much do I have a right to be right? How much do I have a right to be heard, loved and accepted? I was recently inspired by the "personal bill of rights". I'm still processing what it means to have these rights, but give up others; maintain boundaries, but still live in community.

Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have the right to ask for what I want

2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.

3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.

4. I have the right to change my mind.

5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.

8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.

9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems

10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.

11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.

12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.

13. I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid."

14. I have the right to say 'I don't know.

15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.

16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.

17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.

18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.

19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.

20. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.

21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

22. I have the right to change and grow.

23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others

24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect

25. I have the right to be happy.

I got a tatoo.

Prayer for Pasadena

This is from last year. It is my prayer.

Cellar Door

Somehow some group of folks got together and decided that cellar door was the most audibly pleasing words in the English language. Ridiculous.

In other news, I have taken a liking to tangerine green tea soda from Hansen's. It's the most savory of all sodas.

I've taken up painting. Painting number 2 is on it's way.

Tomorrow is the half marathon. I'm excited.

I wonder if being content is something that just happens, like breathing. Or if it's something you have to work at.

I just figured out how to put up pictures on this thing. Maybe I'll post some soon.