Better

Better a little with righteousness
than much gain with injustice.

How do we....

This week, my work with my clients has really been speaking to me. I have two client's who have awful home lives--they are full of pain and neglect and verbal abuse. Their parents do not and will not care to change, and the teenagers are stuck with parents who call them names, do not give them money, will not let them have jobs because it affects their SSI check, and do not really give a crap if they thrive. This has really caused me and my coworker to examine our approach, we have decided that since the environment in which they live will most likely not change or transform (all though we may hope for that), we are working on building skills, including self-esteem and self-image that will last beyond their home contexts and is not dependent upon them. Building such self-image is vital to maturity and thriving because it means that they can both last (emotionally) in their crappy families and it means that they can later last in other situations (though we hope they will not voluntarily submit themselves to them).

I think it is this lasting, foundational self-concept is something that God is challenging in me as well. To build a self-concept and a faith not dependent on how much my neighbors engage with me or my roomates like me, or my community is there for me, is really a powerful lesson and a vital part of my faith and relationship with God. I think part of the ways God is bringing about this foundational understanding is by bringing up conflict again and again to facilitate an understanding that God is my confidant, my protector and my redeemer and conflict will exist within a community and my hope in God, His love for me, and His provision will not be rocked.

thinking about community part 2

Apologizes to those of you that read this post and were confused, hurt, or upset by it. Community is one thing that I have been thinking a lot about. I do believe God is teaching me much about community, how to do it, and how to do it well. Much of my life, I have struggled with a sense of isolation, not really fitting into any mold. I have expected that my community and Servant Parnters to fill this void, be able to understand and identify with me and be able to love me well. I have been wrong in this expectation. Not because the community does not love me, meet some of my needs, or understand and identify with me, but because without presentation of my needs to my community, and without caring for them in return; there can be no real exchange of compassion and love. This is something I am learning how to do. It is difficult, painful, and stretching. It is in effect, learning how to care for myself. When I can care for myself, by presenting my needs to a loving community, my needs will be addressed. In my last post (now deleted), I wrote that I did not want to be part of a community that neither knows nor is equipped to deal with these issues (isolation, loss of identity, etc). This still stands: I do not want to be part of that community; but I do not think (now or then) that our class is that community that neither knows nor cares, and I have been wrestling with how to make my needs known to the community so that people are equipped to deal with my issues.

Specifically, this last weekend was difficult for me; not because the event was not well planned nor well thought out, but because there was some particularly isolating, painful, and lonely experiences that took place during that weekend. This is partially due to some real conflicts (which have been brought up as needed), and partially due to God really wanting to work and heal me in these areas of my life. I am hopeful of this healing. I am hopeful that there will be more healing for me and for my community as we press in together. And I am hopeful that we will see God at work.

The hand of God

I don't really like to "over spiritualize" experiences--you know just say that God says this, and the devil did that. I am realizing how much God really does talk to me, and how much the Devil really is at work to try and destroy.
I went for a hike the other day. It was so captivatingly beautiful--there was actually water in the Eaton Canyon Basin for the first time since I've lived in LA. And the moon--the moon was half full and it's pale incandecent glow was bright in the blue sky. It's funny because I kept expecting the moon to go away or to disappear, but each time I looked up, there was the moon! It did not disappear or go away, but stood, still and quiet in the sky. I heard the Lord say to me, "the moon and I are the same, I will never leave you or forsake you, but you will not always think that I am there". When I was walking back, it was getting a little dark, and I wished the moon were brighter to light may way. I thought I needed more light. Yet my food never faltered. There was just enough light to keep going. I think sometimes my walk with God is like that-- I feel like I want more light. I feel like I want more direction and guidelines. I want a seeing eye dog, but I still want to be able to see. I heard the lord say "there is enough for you. I am enough for you." Even when I want more, there is enough for my needs.

Better

Better a little vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred.

Loving life right now

Yesterday was really hard. The end of it was hard. We're still trying to work out this whole community thing and there was an incident which sort of pushed a lot of buttons in me. I ended up getting really sad, making a lot of assumptions about my housemates and getting really upset. Then, I decided to say what I needed to in a polite way, even if I didn't think anyone cared. And they did care! It was great. My point was heard and we worked it out. Wow... Suddenly my attitude is different today. God does look after us, he calls us into some hard things, but He really does work to our good.

I've been working on this painting of Mary-- you know the mother of Jesus. It never ceases to amaze me that this little teenage girl had such faith in God's working out to her good. It's been profound to think of the weight on her shoulders and the faith it must have taken to sing Luke 1:46-55:
46And Mary said:
"My soul glorifies the Lord
47and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55to Abraham and his descendants forever,
even as he said to our fathers."

Next time I'm pregnant out of wedlock, maybe I'll sing that too. (just kidding of course, But sometimes it does seem like there are too many unexpected challenges like a random virgin birth.)

Picture says it all.

We had some real fun. I forgot how much I love the mountains and outdoors. It was so great to take a mini-retreat/holiday with Ben and his family. It's actually hard to imagine joining the real world again--but here I am back in So. Cal after a wonderful Christmas in the winter wonderland of Boulder, Co. Ben and I saw old friends, caught up with his family, ate some really delicous food and some great Boulder Beer. We spend a lot of time outside in the snow taking walks and ending up in bookstores or at the tops of mountains. We even ended up at Boulder's "hill star", and we (or I rather) slid down and got snow all down my pants. Cold. And fun. Anyway, It was a great holiday that's all.